GAAAAAAAAAH.


That is all.

Slow roads

Well, it's been some time, much longer than I thought even since I've been really working hard on this.

I got distracted, then demoralised, then some more of both.

In fits and starts I tried to get back on track but it really wasn't working, so I let myself turn to other things such as my hobby of warhammer 40k in order to work out personal problems and the reason that I have so little faith in myself.

So the first warhammer tournament I've been to in years netted me a trophy for the quality of my paintwork, and several inquiries from people wanting me to paint things for them for cash or trade.

Which rather gives the lie to my lack of confidence in my creative abilities doesn't it?

It occurs to me that of everything I have ever tried there is only one thing that I am bad at; Seeing things through.

And that's simply it. Letting fear of an unknown future or change stand in my way and stopping me from even trying hard enough to truly succeed.

Insane, right?

Yet I look around and I see this to be one of the most common drawbacks of the human condition, reflected in so many around me. Even in people I believe to be better or stronger people in many ways.



So how do I or anyone else deal with this malaise? Well if I had an easy answer to that, I wouldn't have the problem. What it comes down to is something I keep saying lately. The solution is simple, but not easy.

Do not allow yourself to give up. Break your problems down and keep chipping away at them until one day you look back and you can see the road travelled laid out behind you, your starting point barely visible from where you are.

Simple, not easy.


For me though, I am getting back on track. I many, many distractions, problems impediments in my way. But the reality is that these will always be there. No-one can spend their whole life thinking; "if I can just get past this little bit, everything will be better." That moment never comes, it's an interminable road that loops back on itself. You can't waste your life looking for some kind of break, they don't exist. To prove this simply look at the statistics of lottery winners that end up in poverty.

Life is a constant slog, a constant process. All you can do is keep forging ahead and never give up.

Simple. Not easy.


For my part I've gone back to the start of project A. Laid out all the changes I want to make, big and small, dismissed or included them and made the final list. Now I am working through from beginning to end, probably will several times, to put all these changes in and get this novel into a consistent and cohesive whole, that is hopefully of very high quality and something people will want to read.

Simple, not easy.

But few things worth doing are easy.

Rambleomatic

Posting largely for the sake of it today.

Many things have been distracting, my ex moving 12 hours away and then a cyclone sweeping in on her and my daughter right before they're due to fly down for a critical specialists visit.

Excitement.

My body is constantly attempting to physically crap-out.

Further excitement.

On slightly saner notes I'm working on some very large edits to project A. Two very central characters (one being the bad guy) are getting reworked to add another level of more cerebral conflict to the story and to pull together all the loose threads I left sprawling all over the novel's first incarnation.

So there will be significantly more betrayal, a general increase in both noirish and punkish themes and some tweaks to the Sci that is in this Fi.

Back to stuff. /exits stage left.

Go with your GUT people!

Okay so I'm starting to get crits back from people, have 3 full crits back now, two pretty brief (but one of those is my alpha reader so hey) and one so in depth it goes for nineteen pages (cheers Ben!). I have no idea how many people read this, but if it's any, go have a look at Ben's stuff http://bensmanifesto.wordpress.com

Anyway.

Overall Verdicts:

People like it. (Yay!)

The action sections can be really awesome (woot!)

Several supporting characters rather hit the mark (again woot)

The lead character is not liked by all readers, but seems engrossing anyway, which is fine. Lead character however sort of evolved over the course of the write and is now inconsistent and really needs to be straightened out a bit. (shit)

Story is too linear! (well fuck.)

Badguy is "Wile e Coyote" (Well fuck again)


Okay. So basically, its viable, I can write. So lets do this shit.

For a first draft it wasn't too bad, the inherent problems come from it being a first and as such subject to evolution over the course of the write, meaning I need to bring a number of things back into line with each other, and make a number of things clearer, such as the people that manage to hurt the lead character are generally not normal people, usually technologically enhanced (read: part cyborg).

Major problems: The plot is a straight line and the arch badguy is an idiot when supposed to be a genius. Also I've written kind of a gumshoe novel, which is fine, but its unrefined and frankly I've let myself make it to simple. This really shits me considering several of the things that have been highlighted are things I originally felt I wanted to include.

Conclusion: GO WITH YOUR GUT!

Writers, when we write, deep down we know when what we're putting on the page just won't do or is outright shit. Ignoring it is the mark of inexperience at best and blind idiocy at worst. So the lesson here? Listen to yourself, you can feel it when your painting your character (or yourself) into an illogical corner. When something is superfluous or just weak. So don't accept it.



Plans:
I have two major badguys for this book, one is quite well fleshed and doesn't need changing except the final fight with him isn't as impressive as I should have made it. I rushed to get to the end because my mind was melting.
My mastermind badguy.... well hes a putz. So its time to completely un putz him, make much more of him, flesh him out properly, motivation etc. (yes I can hear you calling me a twit for not doing that in the first place, i know i know.) And I also asked the question, why did I let this guy get killed, particularly in such a cliche fashion? Time for that part of the book to die, not that character.
Twists; there is a lack of them, too many people that could be trusted, can be trusted. Sooooo. Time to turn a few supporting characters to the darkside and change some hints (reader) to certainties. Book gains a whole extra conflict level (win), badguy becomes smarter in the process, book has a far more noir ending.


So, with all that laid down.

To battle (editing)!!

Frustration Nation

Yeah, painful beta process.

Apparently one of the most painful things is the wait because low and behold, your beta readers have lives and getting through a whole novel and crit is a slow process.


End result is I currently have head monkeys.

I should go see the school nurse...

Bam! Straight to the moon.

Draft 1 punched up.

/feels accomplishment.

Now for the painful and hopefully constructive beta process.

Disturbingly Positive

I'm nearly finished the process I previously termed 'the punch up' and with the exception of a few changes in scenery descriptions and a complete rewrite of the start of the book I'm finding surprisingly few things that I'm not happy with.

This in itself is scary.

Aren't I supposed to be looking at what I did six months ago and thinking 'God that was awful, wtf was I doing? Damned amateur.'

But I'm not, I'm getting involved in my own storytelling, laughing at my own jokes and having cool little scifi moments when I come across a possible future easter egg throw away line I'd forgotten I put in there.

It's been easy, too easy.

I'm waiting for the other penny to drop. So far no-one I've showed anything to has done much aside from praise it.

If one of my beta readers shreds it in this round, I'm actually going to be relieved I think.